Man Overboard: Abandon Shipper
by LehXtelle
Summary: In which Hermione falls into every single cliche in every sort of shipper.  Will it be love?


Hello reader! So, this, by no means, is parody-ing a specific story or a specific author. This parody is based off of common themes found among the wide array of different fanfiction shippers. Hope it gives you a good laugh. Enjoy!

….

Unappreciated/ slutty Hermione (Dramione)

Harry Potter, wizard extraordinaire, grabbed onto his former best friend Hermione Granger's shoulders and looked at her with pity. "Hermione, even though we've been friends for so long and you've saved me from grave danger and you've helped with my dismally short list of girl troubles, I can't be friends with you anymore."

Hermione looked back at him wide eyed. "But, why?"

Harry sighed in a world weary fashion. "Because Hermione. I just want to play Quidditch and hang out with hot chicks. You only want to study. You never laugh; you never cry; you don't even eat sometimes. You just have no personality."

Hermione, Gryffindor Princess, was bawling at this point. Her Maybelline mascara was running down her face, because she had started using it in large quantities because of her self-esteem issues. "I do everything for you. I put so much work into our Trio."

"Not according to Ron," Harry retorted, suddenly staring at her with contempt. "He's not with you anymore, because you won't put out. And, aside from the good attributes that we refuse to see in you, you have nothing to recommend you."

"Wait," Hermione whispered, her pounds of bronzer and foundation starting to come off as well. "Why did he break up with me again?"

Harry crossed his arms in front of his chest, a look a superiority crossing his features. "Hermione, you're just not slutty enough. Ron's good nature doesn't usually show up in these types of fics, so the only thing he wants is sex and food. You on the other hand, haven't gotten a summer makeover, therefore you're ugly. And, Harry Potter doesn't hang out with ugly people."

"But….But…..I'm not ugly," Hermione stuttered as her friendship with her best friend suddenly disintergrated without any plausible plot devices.

"Of course you are," Harry replies, going off to play Exploding Snap.

Hermione stares at his back, the legions of mascara continuing to flow. Since her self esteem is basically non-existent, she starts to plan how to change everything she is just so that she could get revenge against Ron.

But first, she had to go make herself randomly convenient for Draco Malfoy.

…..

Later that night, Hermione was crying in some random part of the Hogwarts castle, while everyone remained completely oblivious, even though it was way past curfew.

Everyone except for Draco Malfoy that is!

His life's ambition was to make himself completely convenient to Hermione's plight in the story, because 1) he's secretly in love with her and 2) he just doesn't know it yet.

So, keeping true to character, Draco Malfoy, leather pants and all, was, against the laws of probability, walking down the same exact corridor that was currently housing Hermione Granger, for no other reason than to make himself remarkably convenient.

Since his ears were incredibly sensitive, he could hear a female voice. He quickly recognized it as Hermione's voice, because he hates her so much that he recognized the tone and timbre of her voice to exactness.

Draco was about to just leave and go back to his Common Room, but, since the night was full of coincidences, he decided to throw caution to the wind and go check on her. This decision, of course, was never complete without an inner monologue wrought with inner turmoil.

I hate her. Why am I even doing this?

_Because, you hate her._

_Then why the hell am I going to check on her?_

_Because, she has to reform you and make you lose your street cred._

_I can't lose my street cred. Life is tough when you come from a rich family that usually doesn't love you in the unappreciated Hermione scenario._

_Just go check on her._

Walking swiftly to the origin of the dainty but abnormally loud sound, he opened the door, and, low and behold, Hermione Granger was there.

Even though he was more interested in the female standing in front of him, he simultaneously took in all of the detail in the room. The moonlight was spilling into the empty classroom and illuminating Hermione Granger's hair. He had never thought of her as pretty before, but here, with mascara running down her face, he forgot about her Mudblood status and thought she was beautiful.

As he was thinking this, Hermione was greatly annoyed that she had been found. "Leave me alone Malfoy."

Draco reflected that, for someone who wanted to be left alone, she does cry awfully loud and she didn't even bother to bring her wand to magically lock the door. Obviously someone just wanted some attention.

"No," he said, approaching her carefully, the moonlight's magic making Hermione move up a rating or two on the ten point scale.

And suddenly, despite all of his still existing prejudices, the fact that he's not sexually attracted to her, and the annoying obstacle of not knowing anything about her, Draco Malfoy, Slytherin badass, fell in love with "I can't decide whether she's cute or not" Hermione Granger.

On the other side of this exchange, Hermione stared at Draco with awe in her eyes. Now that she had decided to become the baddest bitch that Hogwarts has ever seen, she realized that she needed help; and Draco Malfoy's leather pants were the answer to her prayers.

Not noticing the monumental shift in Draco's nature, Hermione advanced toward him – wide-eyed and with a slight maniacal gleam in her eye – and grabbed him by the shoulders. "Draco Malfoy," she whispered, "will you make me a skank? Not just a rumored skank, but an actual skank."

Draco felt the need to change his dialogue at this point, because he was so in love. "Hermione, I will thou make thee a skank!"

…..

The next day, with the help of equally slutty Ginny Weasley, Hermione was ready to face the world. The younger red head doesn't feel any tension with her brother's ex-girlfriend, because slutty Ginny generally doesn't have any morals and any other character wouldn't have been as plausible a bff as her.

The brunette with blonde and pink highlights was checking herself out in the mirror, concerned that her new wardrobe (which slutty Ginny usually provides) wasn't up to par. Taking a deep breath, she turned to face Ginny and Draco, with a nervous look on her face. "Gin-Gin, Draky, do I look like I have no virtues?"

Draco was speechless. Even though he had fallen in love with the old Hermione, he also loved the new Hermione, because she could bypass Hogwarts dress code. Draco was also most likely to get some with this Hermione.

Slutty Ginny, on the other hand, took her wand out and made her best friend's skirt shorter. Surveying her work, she decided that right there, in the middle of winter, Hermione looked truly weather appropriate.

"You look sufficiently cheap," Ginny exclaimed cheerfully.

Hermione's face lit up and her eyes held unshed tears. "Thanks Gin-Gin." She then looked expectantly at Draco.

He found his voice quickly, wanting to make his little slutty Cuddle Muffin happy. "If I saw you on the street, I would wonder how many diseases you had."

Hermione squealed and jumped into Draco's arms. "Thank you. You're the best!"

And, right there, in the arms of the man she hated only a couple of hours ago, Hermione knew that she was in love with Draco Malfoy.

…..

As Draco Malfoy sat in the Great Hall, he was green with envy. Hermione, the love of his life, was parading around in a short mini skirt with holes in it and a pink spaghetti strap. Every male, female, and magical creature, was staring at her with lust.

Flitwick watched on as Hermione purposefully walked in slow motion, gracefully letting everyone see her new found sluttiness. "By Dragon's Blood, I think I'm in love."

Snape nodded in agreement. "I cannot wait until my naughty professor/slutty Hermione parody."

Minerva smirked. "Me neither."

Harry, who was closer to slutty Hermione and therefore got a better view of her sluttiness, was also completely blown away. "I can't wait until I can feel her up later in this fanfiction."

Ron was drooling out of both sides of his mouth. "I can't wait to get jealous of you feeling her up later in this fanfiction."

Harry sighed. "I guess I'll just wait until the Harmone pairing parody."

Ron smiled in satisfaction.

When all this was going on, Hermione made a beeline – albeit, an extremely slow beeline with wind from no perceivable source blowing in her hair – towards her former best friends. Determined to show them what she was missing, she stopped in front of them and squished her breasts together, smiling dangerously.

"Hello boys," she cooed in her new sexy voice.

As she expected, the boys stared at her, mouths hanging open.

Hermione made a perfect 'O' with her mouth and breathed, "Oh, I see you've noticed my boobs. I've always had them you know. "

Ron spoke first, not noticing the porridge spilling from his mouth. "Yeah, but, they were never so HUGE!"

"Oh, yeah. About that. Your sister Ginny, who always seems to be slutty in these fanfictions, enhanced them," Hermione replied nonchalantly as sat in between them.

The boys stopped eating and looked at this new breed of female. She was still Hermione, but damn she was hot. And the fact that she wasn't wearing a bra meant that they were going to forgo breakfast and stare at her chest. And they also couldn't help noticing her magical hair.

…..

After breakfast, Hermione knew, without any sort of warning, that Draco wanted to meet with her on the second floor in the third corridor in the second classroom on the left. The reason he chose this was because it had good lighting, and it was supposedly far from all of those people they were trying to avoid.

Hermione smiled. 'Maybe he wants to snog.'

As if on cue, Draco slams open the door. He was breathing as if he had just run a marathon; his breath was coming so hard that the muscles he magically sprouted were about to burst out of his black turtle neck and leather pant.

He stares at her chest before he continues. "Why are you dressed like that?"

"Because I want to be a slut," Hermione replied simply.

Draco – who had decided that he was in love, despite the fact that he disapproved of her outfit because it didn't match, – glared. "That's nice, Hermione. But did you ever think about how this would make me feel?"

Hermione was confused. Her powers of perception are usually not present in these fanfictions. "I don't understand."

"How do you think it makes a man feel when the girl who saw his perfect bone structure bathing in the moonlight is parading around in," he made a motion with his hand, "that."

Hermione tilted her head, more confused. "Are we together?"

"Nevermind that. Whether we're together or not is usually an unfilled plothole anyway. And I'm not mad that your outfit is slutty," he said, curtly.

"Well then, why do we keep talking about my outfit?"

"BECAUSE!" Draco yelled, finally losing his temper. At her scared look, he tried to slow his roll, since he cared about her now. "Because, you're not slutty enough."

Hermione felt the tears welling into her perfectly outlined eyes. "What?" she squeaked.

"You see, Hermione. I wanted to break this down for you slowly, but-."

"HOW IS THIS NOT SLUTTY ENOUGH!" she whaled, all of her hopes and dreams dashed.

"Well, for starters, you're not showing midriff. You're not tan or toned. Your make-up is still somewhat respectable, and your skirt, though black, is not sparkly or leathery or short enough. And your hair -."

"But," Hermione interrupted in a small voice. "I wore fishnet."

"I know sweetheart. And that was nice. But you'll never make the Snanger Danger plot plausible if you don't carry a whip around," Draco said consolingly, putting an arm around her.

"Aside from the fact that Snager Dangers aren't plausible and I usually don't carry a whip in that shipper, Draco, you're right," Hermione sighed.

There was a slight pause before Draco turned to look at her. "Have you ever lost your virginity to a devastatingly handsome Slytherin that you have no future with and is apparently really good at sex?"

"I plan on losing my virginity a lot in this fanfiction, so I'm gonna go with no," she said, before they preceded to have wild hate/love sex on a desk in a room bathed by moonlight though it's located in the middle of the castle and has no windows.

Fin.


End file.
